Grocery

Last night, I needed cat litter, and since I was lazy, I went to Albertson's, the rich-man's grocery store. Everything there is more expensive than at Winco--and presumably, the theory is, Winco can keep the cost down by making you bag your own groceries. I am okay with bagging my own if I go to Winco--except for when people block the aisle near the end of the lanes and act as if it your fault for needing to walk by.

However, the whole appeal of the rich-man's grocery store is having everything done for you. The clerk greets you, and sends the groceries down the really short distance to the bagger, usually a young person for whom bagging is their first job, but more than likely, it's the "special person" on release from the group home. Then, the bagger asks if you need assistance to your car, and while I would never let a bagger follow me to my car, just the fact that they ask makes me feel like the trip to rich-man land was worth it. It's like the spa of grocery stores.

Now, at the store I visit, they have about 10 self-checkouts, and they usually have about one human checker working. I don't want to ring up my own groceries at the store. When I was 19 and drunk, the notion was appealing, listening to the beep as I swiped each item across. At nearly 30, the appeal is gone. If I am paying for something, I want there to be a clear clerk/customer relationship, and I want to stand and watch as you sell me my stuff. I want to watch commerce in action. I don't want to interact with machines in rich-man land, but at the rate of 700 customers to one clerk, the machine was the only way to go.

On my way to the store, I remembered I needed cream for my coffee. At the entrance to the store, they had a big cardboard bin full of mini-seedless watermelons. They were huge and $2.99, so I bought one. I also bought some cat treats. To conclude, the total items in my shopping trip were these: 18lb cat litter, cat treats, mini-seedless watermelon, cream.

I am sure you all are familiar with using a self-checkout. Run item across scanner, item must immediately be placed in the "bagging area" or else the light above the scanner turns red, and the machine freezes. I scan as fast as I can; I want out of the store. I am dressed in my pajamas, I am sweaty, and I am covered in cat fur. It's a Sunday night--this is what most cat ladies look like on a Sunday evening.

I scan everything, and finally, the mini-seedless watermelon. Usually, fruit is placed on the scanner, and you punch in a code, and the scanner weighs the fruit and charges you. The mini-seedless watermelons had tags, since they were $2.99 each, and I scanned the tag and placed the mini-seedless watermelon in the "bagging area." Then, the machine froze. Presumably, since the watermelon was about 10 pounds, the machine didn't think it was mini enough. Thief, the red light screams!

The clerk, who looked to be about 17, walked over and said in a very serious tone, "Ma'am, do you remember what item you put in the "bagging area" last?" Um, hello. I have four items. "Yes, it was the watermelon's fault." And as he typed in his code to unlock the machine, he hovered for about 30 extra seconds and scanned my items on the screen and checked them against what I had in the "bagging area," gave me a sneer, and walked back to his post with a watchful glance. What about 18lb cat litter, cat treats, mini-seedless watermelon, cream screams criminal?

He's obviously too young to remember this video, but maybe, just maybe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrwjiO1MCVs