I never understood why retired people said they felt like they were going to die; now I do. For days I have toyed with writing this blog, trying to decide if it was going to make me feel better or worse or if people would laugh at me. And last week felt like it went by in a second; this week seems to be slowing in time, the days slowly ticking down, as graduation inches nearer.
I am graduating in 3 days, and while I know I worked hard and deserve it, I have this nagging panic that hasn't left in the past month. Most people are excited to be out of school when it finally happens. Most people struggle just to get the degree done, and when it's done they say good riddance. I am one of the weird ones. I like school; it's probably the driving force for me wanting to be a professor. One day as I sat in a class, watching my best professor and mentor Bruce Ballenger teach, I realized that I wanted to be in the classroom--the college classroom--always. With graduation, I feel like my brain will turn to mush.
I know that my brain will not turn to mush, but I think I am worried because I won't have anything to do after graduation is here. While I have a list of things to occupy me, I will feel unproductive. College gave me something to look forward to, to worry about, to direct my stress, to be proud of. After a string of retail jobs where I was unhappy, I found college. In college, I found what I want to do with my life; this break before I apply for grad school seems like a cruel speed bump. One that I know I need to take, as I don't want to burn out in grad school, and one I don't really want all at the same time.
The other panic stems from the huge packet the government sends which essentially screams "PAY UP!" It seems like the transitions all come too fast. The government gives a six-month grace period for paying, and it seems that they should hold off on the paperwork barrage until at least three months after graduation. I have no idea how I am going to pay. And when I picked my repayment plan, I laughed that it says I will be paying until 2038. I hope it doesn't take that long.
I guess what bothers me most, is I feel a uncomfortable in my world. I rarely feel this uncomfortable in my world, where I debate whether I am having a panic attack or a heart attack on an hourly to daily basis depending on the moment. I don't like change; I don't like the unknown. And there is a lot of both right now. I have an incredible support system, and that will help. So will the amount of beer I've been consuming lately.
Wow, I didn't know we were this similar. I love school, too, and I'm a bit panicked for what I'm going to do for the next several months. Fortunately, I don't have any loans to repay, but I get bored incredibly easily, and being bored and feeling useless is probably the worst thing for me to feel. That's sounds shallow, but it terrifies me not to be able to run around and have something to do constantly...
ReplyDeleteThe way I cope is to think of grad school as the great end of my romantic and social life. Once I enter my PhD program, I will be stuck there for 5-10 years. So I look at this small break as something scary, yes, but also as an opportunity for a rest before the real test of my sanity begins.
See you at lunch today...I'll let you guess who this is.
Aww Andrea, I understand! I'm constantly bouncing back and forth. Sometimes I'm excited, and then I get terrified thinking about what I'm doing next. I appreciate the break, too, but that security blanket of school that I've always had is suddenly going to be gone, along with any sources of income I have at the moment. We should get together and panic together.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Your brain won't turn to mush. It's too brilliant. Plus, you can have those GRE flash cards back to keep you sharp... :)
You're a smart woman, and your intelligence has nothing to do with the fact that you've been a student--and a damned good one--for the past few years, so you don't have to worry about your brain turning to mush! I have no doubt that your sharp mind is going to use that knowledge you've gained and do something special and astonishing!
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I must admit that your desire to "be in the classroom...always" baffles me. Like you, I'm graduating this semester. In fact, I'm finishing up a second undergrad degree, and while I've enjoyed many of my classes and am grateful for the knowledge that I've gained, I'm tired of the politics of being a student. Personally, I find the restrictions and the hoop-jumping to be intellectually stifling, and I can't wait to get out and make my own mark in the world beyond the confining halls of academia. Remain in the classroom always?! Huh-uh! Nyet! No way! Bye-bye, BSU!
You'll be a good prof, though, Aunnie, if that's really what you want to do! You'll succeed at anything you set your mind to. And when you get your PhD and start teaching grad classes, maybe I'll have incentive to come back and work on my graduate degree! If I had you for a prof, I wouldn't mind jumping through a few hoops again!
if somebody makes fun of this, it's only because they are a reh-tard. congrats. school is the best thing i've done with my life up to this point.
ReplyDeletehey, who you drinkin' those beers with?
ReplyDeletei remember this feeling. it sucks, but it goes away when you realize the freedom of not having school work constantly looming over your head.
we all know you'll be back in the classroom in no time. enjoy your break!